crisis

every once in a while I endure a crisis.

too much thought. lost all drive. frustrated with attitudes.

shut down for a while.

almost done!

so i'm almost done with ILTM and it's a little bit sad. This is probably the best summer I've had in a while...I've been so productive. It's been a lot of fun, but a lot of work. Basically everything they promised it would be.

The report is currently 95 pages long. Amazing. I put my editing skills to good use, so I'm proud of that. People seem to think I did a lot of work...I don't really think so. I just did a lot of editing and picked up the slack.

I've still got to make some slides for the final oral presentation, but I'll focus on that tomorrow. That and doing some more editing to make sure I didn't make some dumb mistakes along the way in the paper.

Also today I went to the bookstore and got four classic novels for just around twenty bucks. It was part of the 50% off book sale! Yes, the campus bookstore is merging with Barnes & Noble, and will soon be moving downtown. That's a pain, but it will bring us more of a book selection at a slightly discounted rate I think. So it might not be all that bad, even though I have to drag myself down there and lug my books up the hill. Oh well.

ah.

This is probably the first time I've had a decent amount of free time in the past 3 weeks. I'm not sure what to do with myself right now.

Here's the good news;
My toe is nearly back to normal. For anyone who cares, a gateway door brutally ripped my toe nail off. I went to the hospital where the doctor stitched it back on. How sick is that? SICK. So as long as no one steps on my toe or bumps into me, I'll be fine.

This week we also had our midterm project presentations. It was incredibly nerve-wracking, but it went quite well, if I do say so myself. Apparently, I've become a decent public speaker. Who woulda thunk?

After the presentation, we all went to the fake lake beach. It was a decent time, considering I don't exactly like to be in nature for extended periods of time. In fact, I just went there again yesterday. Yeah...that's probably enough nature for a while.

Following our trip to the beach yesterday, a few of us went to see Transformers 2 at Campus Theatre. It's a pretty decent movie, but a bit too action-y for me. Sometimes the action sequences are so long that you lose sight of what exactly they're fighting about. Additionally, it's hard to tell robots in disguise apart. Probably because they're in disguise. Oh, and Megan Fox can't act.

What else what else...oh we got some Applebee's half apps last night as well. Those half apps are amazing. A good way to curb my consumption. Arg. And that was that. I was exhausted by midnight and plopped myself into bed.

I just want to do the project! I'm uber excited about writing a massive report. That's not even sarcasm. I'm legitimately excited to do this project, but I'm worried that our suggestions won't be innovative enough or "out of the box" enough. The real world with real solutions is a scary scary place.

Life and death (brigade?)

Every so often I have panic attacks about living and dying. They're pretty bad, and they usually strike at night. I've been trying to work them out in my mind, but the themes reoccur periodically.

Questions I ponder during panic:
1. What's the meaning of life?
2. What happens after you die?
3. Where does the mind go?
4. Where does the soul go?
5. Why am I even here?

It's weird to think about the past and the future. I can only concentrate on the now. Can you imagine yourself in the past? And the future?

Aging sucks. This attack was provoked by reading twilight again.

What about nothingness, that endless abyss? But is it worse to live forever and watch everyone around you die? Would it get boring? Or would there always be something to do?

This is why sometimes I wish I were just really really stupid so I wouldn't have to think about things like this. Either stupid or magical.

another day, another destiny

Nothing much has been going on. I'm rereading Twilight now for kicks...rekindling my flame with Edward Cullen, you know?

AHAAHAHA.

Been doing a lot of reading lately...reading for upcoming six weeks of non-stop work...reading for betterment of the mind. And then I entertained myself by watching Disney Channel shows. Fascinating, I know. I've got a juvenile sense of humor it seems.

How some people do nothing to improve baffles me. Standing still. Static. So strange.

stupid romance

I hate couples. They make me sick. Every time I see a new pair of people get together I want to throw up.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. I just don't like being pushed aside because people's significant other always has to go first. I'm not your backup plan. GRR.

I suck at life.

Here's a revelation. Apparently, I can't write. That's what my dad told me last night before we all went out to dinner. Granted, I was mocking my brother for his lack of skillz, but is this really necessary?

Let me further justify his statement. I'll even quote in order to make this more objective.

"You couldn't write for beans in high school. I hope you've gotten better since then." He added that my mom agreed.

I've been thinking about this, well rethinking all of my life plans now.

I've come to the conclusion that they received a biased sample and/or they're on crack. Let's think about this now...if I couldn't write, how could I have received a perfect score on both the PSAT and SAT writing section? If I couldn't write, how could I have gotten awards for writing (see 8th grade graduation and Ayn Rand Essay Contest))? How could I have written the DBQ that "sent shivers down Mr. G's spine" ? Yes, that actually did happen. I keep hearing the voices telling me I should write over the years. I've met a lot of people. They all tell me to write.

The only thing they've read of mine were my college essays. Those sucked. I acknowledge that. But their suckiness wasn't a result of lack of technical skill, it was a result of lack of experience. When I was in high school, I hadn't done anything or experienced anything. I just didn't think about things that were actually significant. So that's that.

The other day I was admiring my wall of awards and reflecting on how if anything at all, I was definitely a writer. Sure I get the good grades, but that doesn't mean I have any sort of passion for the material. Cram it and forget it. No, lately, I've been more dedicated to academia. I'm a scholar alright. But yeah, I was just thinking about writing and then my dad had to go and rip that out from under me.

And that is why I have nothing going for me.