很忙

我忙得要命!没有空.

I love when the sun comes out.

The other day I was in a Joseph Gordon-Levitt mood, so I watched 10 Things I Hate About You. Still so good.

Hm, what else?

I haven't charged my phone in a few days. Either my new phone has an extraordinary battery life, or I just have no one to talk to. I hope it's the former.

I'm hungry.

crisis

every once in a while I endure a crisis.

too much thought. lost all drive. frustrated with attitudes.

shut down for a while.

almost done!

so i'm almost done with ILTM and it's a little bit sad. This is probably the best summer I've had in a while...I've been so productive. It's been a lot of fun, but a lot of work. Basically everything they promised it would be.

The report is currently 95 pages long. Amazing. I put my editing skills to good use, so I'm proud of that. People seem to think I did a lot of work...I don't really think so. I just did a lot of editing and picked up the slack.

I've still got to make some slides for the final oral presentation, but I'll focus on that tomorrow. That and doing some more editing to make sure I didn't make some dumb mistakes along the way in the paper.

Also today I went to the bookstore and got four classic novels for just around twenty bucks. It was part of the 50% off book sale! Yes, the campus bookstore is merging with Barnes & Noble, and will soon be moving downtown. That's a pain, but it will bring us more of a book selection at a slightly discounted rate I think. So it might not be all that bad, even though I have to drag myself down there and lug my books up the hill. Oh well.

ah.

This is probably the first time I've had a decent amount of free time in the past 3 weeks. I'm not sure what to do with myself right now.

Here's the good news;
My toe is nearly back to normal. For anyone who cares, a gateway door brutally ripped my toe nail off. I went to the hospital where the doctor stitched it back on. How sick is that? SICK. So as long as no one steps on my toe or bumps into me, I'll be fine.

This week we also had our midterm project presentations. It was incredibly nerve-wracking, but it went quite well, if I do say so myself. Apparently, I've become a decent public speaker. Who woulda thunk?

After the presentation, we all went to the fake lake beach. It was a decent time, considering I don't exactly like to be in nature for extended periods of time. In fact, I just went there again yesterday. Yeah...that's probably enough nature for a while.

Following our trip to the beach yesterday, a few of us went to see Transformers 2 at Campus Theatre. It's a pretty decent movie, but a bit too action-y for me. Sometimes the action sequences are so long that you lose sight of what exactly they're fighting about. Additionally, it's hard to tell robots in disguise apart. Probably because they're in disguise. Oh, and Megan Fox can't act.

What else what else...oh we got some Applebee's half apps last night as well. Those half apps are amazing. A good way to curb my consumption. Arg. And that was that. I was exhausted by midnight and plopped myself into bed.

I just want to do the project! I'm uber excited about writing a massive report. That's not even sarcasm. I'm legitimately excited to do this project, but I'm worried that our suggestions won't be innovative enough or "out of the box" enough. The real world with real solutions is a scary scary place.

Life and death (brigade?)

Every so often I have panic attacks about living and dying. They're pretty bad, and they usually strike at night. I've been trying to work them out in my mind, but the themes reoccur periodically.

Questions I ponder during panic:
1. What's the meaning of life?
2. What happens after you die?
3. Where does the mind go?
4. Where does the soul go?
5. Why am I even here?

It's weird to think about the past and the future. I can only concentrate on the now. Can you imagine yourself in the past? And the future?

Aging sucks. This attack was provoked by reading twilight again.

What about nothingness, that endless abyss? But is it worse to live forever and watch everyone around you die? Would it get boring? Or would there always be something to do?

This is why sometimes I wish I were just really really stupid so I wouldn't have to think about things like this. Either stupid or magical.

another day, another destiny

Nothing much has been going on. I'm rereading Twilight now for kicks...rekindling my flame with Edward Cullen, you know?

AHAAHAHA.

Been doing a lot of reading lately...reading for upcoming six weeks of non-stop work...reading for betterment of the mind. And then I entertained myself by watching Disney Channel shows. Fascinating, I know. I've got a juvenile sense of humor it seems.

How some people do nothing to improve baffles me. Standing still. Static. So strange.

stupid romance

I hate couples. They make me sick. Every time I see a new pair of people get together I want to throw up.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. I just don't like being pushed aside because people's significant other always has to go first. I'm not your backup plan. GRR.

I suck at life.

Here's a revelation. Apparently, I can't write. That's what my dad told me last night before we all went out to dinner. Granted, I was mocking my brother for his lack of skillz, but is this really necessary?

Let me further justify his statement. I'll even quote in order to make this more objective.

"You couldn't write for beans in high school. I hope you've gotten better since then." He added that my mom agreed.

I've been thinking about this, well rethinking all of my life plans now.

I've come to the conclusion that they received a biased sample and/or they're on crack. Let's think about this now...if I couldn't write, how could I have received a perfect score on both the PSAT and SAT writing section? If I couldn't write, how could I have gotten awards for writing (see 8th grade graduation and Ayn Rand Essay Contest))? How could I have written the DBQ that "sent shivers down Mr. G's spine" ? Yes, that actually did happen. I keep hearing the voices telling me I should write over the years. I've met a lot of people. They all tell me to write.

The only thing they've read of mine were my college essays. Those sucked. I acknowledge that. But their suckiness wasn't a result of lack of technical skill, it was a result of lack of experience. When I was in high school, I hadn't done anything or experienced anything. I just didn't think about things that were actually significant. So that's that.

The other day I was admiring my wall of awards and reflecting on how if anything at all, I was definitely a writer. Sure I get the good grades, but that doesn't mean I have any sort of passion for the material. Cram it and forget it. No, lately, I've been more dedicated to academia. I'm a scholar alright. But yeah, I was just thinking about writing and then my dad had to go and rip that out from under me.

And that is why I have nothing going for me.

Ketchup

Summer seems to be a good time to catch up on movies! So far I've seen Ironman,Made of Honor, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, as well as Star Trek and 17 Again. Hm. I haven't really missed out on all that much. I think it's time to watch Slumdog again. Anyway, I updated my Website yesterday - made a new layout. I'm pretty pleased with it. Finally figuring out better formatting stuff...doing it with code instead of manually.

And today I went to the Crossings to go outlet shopping with my mom. I'm almost ashamed to say it, but I went into J.Crew and got shorts for a good price. It was crazy! And the shorts fit really well and they're so soft. I'm really amazed that they fit me that well...also the store is for uppity people, but hey...the clothes are really nice. They'll probably last me another few years.

Anyway, I thought Benjamin Button was weird and sad. Aging is so weird. I don't want to deal with it. That's one crazy love. I like how I got all of my essay done today. NOT. I guess I'll have to do work on it more tonight and do it tomorrow. I'm such a failure. Not really, but failure of a day...

Extreme

So I'm kind of in a rut. I feel the malaise setting in, and I don't like it. I have almost no energy; I'm in almost constant pain. Some part of me always hurts. It's weird. Luckily, I'm no longer ill...just a little phlegm-y. Gross.

Also I've lost control of my eating habits. One problem about being home is that I engorge myself. I've got to stop that or else I'll explode. Hahaha...I feel like I've had this conversation already.

I'm so close to finishing the FDR book...just a few more pages! Then I can write my essays. Fun fun fun. Ooooodles of fun. I've got to start moving around some more...gather some energy. I can't deal with the lethargy anymore.

我很高興！！！

因爲我考試考得很好，所以很高興！

Right so just got my grades in. I'm pleased with the results, though my GPA hasn't budged. Stupid non-rounding system pisses me off.

Finished reading Persuasion over the weekend. I love Captain Wentworth. By the end at least. For the most part he's a jerk, but I understand where he's coming from.

Currently reading The Geographer's Library and Nothing to Fear. TGL resembles the da Vinci Code, except with a naive journalist. NtF is an account of FDR's presidency. Fun reads.

So I need to start thinking of ideas for features next semester! I'm excited to move out of A&E; it was getting a bit tedious. Features should be fun. I'm better suited for writing features at least...I'm not great with concocting story ideas, however.

Nothing much else to report. I'm in a good frame of mind, but kind of bored without the structure of class. I'm glad that I'll be taking a lighter course load, hour-wise, next semester. I'm sticking to four classes, instead of four plus the audit. Additionally, my math class will only be 3 hours instead of 4.5. In total it'll probably amount to 14 hours. That's 5 hours less than this semester, which will do wonders for my schedule.

Movies I Need to see still:
1. 17 Again
2. Angels & Demons

questions to ponder

1. why am i still awake?
2. why do I still have 2 finals???
3. why did I say yes to running the graduation issue?
4. why do I let people persuade me? obviously I must have been persuadable.
5. why do i hope?

Hm. I need to gain some more confidence...maybe some boldness too while I'm at it. Scoop me a double serving of daring.

So I came in this year looking for more friends...I think I achieved my goal, at least somewhat. How good those friends are is up for debate...I hate when people falter. I thought we had something good going, but then they just throw you for a loop. This probably doesn't bode well for the future when I'm stuck alone...and then I'll wonder who my friends really are and all that jazz. I like falling back on a solid group of people...I hate unreliable folks. I just feel that more now than ever.

no more studying...

argh. I can't study anymore. My body is exhausted; my brain is exhausted. I seriously got a cramp in my arm from writing yesterday...those blue books are the devil's work. I had to get more than one can you believe this nonsense?

Oh and I'm sick. I don't know how this happened because I almost never get sick, but yeah. I'm sick. Weakened immune system. Defenses down.

My hands are still blue from tie-dyeing last week. Pathetic.

I'm just going to waste time until I decide to go to the gym because my braaaaaaiinnn doesn't want to do anything else. La dee da. Wish I had some gossip.

I still want to see 17 again. It's killing me...also x-men...also adventureland. Arggh why do these movies come out when I can't go see them???

Finals

First final tomorrow at 8am. yay...

明天早上我有英文的考事。哎呀！！ 糟糕！我今天晚上得學很多。

AIM etiquette

Rules for talking to me on AIM:

1) Don't IM me if you're just going to babble on to yourself.
2) Don't IM me if you plan on asking me some detailed question that you don't actually want to wait for me to answer.
3) Don't expect prompt replies and stop harassing me to answer. I'm usually multitasking.
4) Show proper enthusiasm; it's not like I'm going to talk to you if you're boring.

that's all for now. I'm pissed again.

second note to self

Dear Tracy,

Never again eat an entire Freez. Poor life choice.

xoxo,
Tracy

I feel like I'm going to hurl...STILL. Oh and I think I'm coming down with something...arrrrghh...

Notes to self

Dear Tracy,

Sometimes you're just too stupid. Why do you even bother hoping for things when you know they will just end up in disappointment?

Love,
Past Tracy

No, but really, Chrysalis was kind of lame for a number of reasons. First, we got there late because we had to wait for people. We missed the four tops and only ended up seeing the Temptations. The food was good, however, and we found the chocolate fountain! Awesome. It was industrial-sized. But anyway, I guess my dress looked nice, but I think I looked fat. Argh. And then I kept seeing people that I did not want to see...brought down my mood. And then the Temptations (they're old, you know?) stopped playing about an hour after we got there. Mad lame. But I was glad I got to see my senior friends in their inebriated states because they were pretty funny. The night was a bit of letdown, but oh well...that tends to be the case. At least the afternoon was good. We did some tie-dyeing...strange, but fun. Haha.

Today my plans include attending this scholarship day luncheon to meet my "benefactor," yes I'm like Pip. And then I'm going to study like a fiend for my finals. Huzzzzzah.

Tomorrow I'll do much of the same thing -- but attend the newspaper banquet. whoot. food all around. Can't wait to get even fatter and explode.

Friday and I'm feeling fine

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT. End of the semester! Last Friday of classes!! This is so exciting because in all of my classes we're basically done. Nothing's really due...just need to study like a fiend. Whoot.

Also, last issue of the paper! It's so fabulous I can't even contain myself.

Other reasons why I'm in a good mood:

1) I'm doing pretty well in all my classes I think. As long as I don't bomb the final, I should be good.

2) We're tie-dyeing today!

3) Chrysalis tonight!

4) Scholarship Day tomorrow.

5) supposedly seeing 17 again if all goes well.

6) THERE'S A RAVE. HAHAHAA.

It should be a fun weekend. In between studying, I think I'll have a very good time.

No reason

I really have no reason to complain. I assigned myself to write this bloody article...I just don't want to do it right now. Arrgh. I'm so dumb sometimes. I've got a persistent headache.

Possible Causes of Headache
1. Caffeine withdrawal. This is slightly unlikely considering I downed an iced coffee during lunch and then some coke zero since. I've probably gotten my caffeine fix for the day. In fact, I'm almost jittery. Almost.

2. Lack of sleep. Even though I've had ample time to sleep over the past lonely weekend, I've chosen not to. Bad move.

3. The bright light. Oh the light! It burns! Let me return to my vampirish nature and cower in my dark cave...

4. Stress. If anything is wrong, just blame stress. Or Byron. (Readers of Perfect Fifths will understand that reference. And if you don't...it's fine. Just blame Byron anyway because he basically had too much fun in the prime of life.)

5. aRticle. I still have to write this article! Maybe I'm just subconsciously making myself ill so I don't do it...but that's just stupid on my part. Just do it.

Ok I will.

Saturday night

Why am I in my room doing homework on a Saturday night? Because I have absolutely nothing else to do. Everyone left me without telling me their plans and I am left here. Again.

I don't like being abandoned. I feel like this disproportionately occurs to me. i.e. Yesterday, last weekend.

Watching Gilmore Girls again. That's how you know it's bad - when I have to live vicariously through fictional characters.

I could be writing my articles right now...but I'm too exhausted.

Perfect Fifths Review

As the name implies, “Perfect Fifths” is perfect in its imperfection. Ms. McCafferty completely shifts the narrative but with appropriate reason and successful effect. While the beginning of the novel may confuse fans of the Jessica Darling series, the third person narration is engrossing. It allows readers to step out of Jessica’s world and see the world from Marcus’ perspective as well. The past three years have undoubtedly altered Jessica and Marcus for the better, and McCafferty’s tale elegantly retells the story of their courtship, updating readers on the details of their fascinating lives. But perhaps what is most striking about the tale are the methods that McCafferty employs to convey Jessica and Marcus’ story–she incorporates long sections of witty, captivating banter as well as sensual and provocative poetry. As Jessica ages, her language becomes denser, more descriptive, but also more insightful. Her story is, as it always is, captivating and relatable. Though the story takes place all within 24 hours and focuses mostly on Marcus and Jessica, there is plenty of action and plenty of interaction with other characters. McCafferty manages to weave the past ten years into a complete, circular narrative while making readers feel like a true part of the tale. The story as a whole plays with improbability and its connection with density, forcing readers to revive hope and reconsider love. “Perfect Fifths” is the inevitable conclusion of the Jessica Darling series–the perfect eternal culmination of an unlikely relationship

i saw the spark that ignited the world

I think that's a pretty good line for a poem.

maybe i can use it later for something.

Currently in the library writing a paper...
I've forgotten how to construct proper sentences. I blame Chinese. And the Internet.
In Chinese, they use a lot of run-ons that are improper in English. They also like to use pivot sentences that basically omit the typical "whos" and "whichs" of English.

My mind is supremely boggled.

things i'm pissed at

I'm just going to rant for a little while to make myself feel better.

1. Facebook's use as a student government platform. Dear student leaders, stop clogging up my facebook feed. Basically when you keep sending me pestering invites, in no way will I be inclined to vote for you. In actuality you're just bothering me like a mosquito. A mosquito with a political agenda. I don't know how many times I can complain about this. Scream scream scream. I would prefer to abstain from the entire voting process if people are just going to harass me with dumb events and invites. What are you people even running for? All you're going to do is plan social events.

2. The press Being on the newspaper staff is an entirely thankless job. All I do is get harassed, and I always end up having to do things I don't want to do. Why do I do it? I like to write. I like to see my name in print. Is it worth it?

3. Staying up at this hour Honestly, what am I doing awake right now? I have to get up at 7 tomorrow!

4. Falling asleep in class It's incomprehensible how I manage to do it, even after chugging 2 pretty tall cups of coffee.

5. Socialization Sometimes I wish I could support a hermit lifestyle. It would make things so much easier. Basically I'm frustrated with boys. I hate to fall into cliche, but I'm a freakin' teenage girl here.

6. Dumb people I don't see how you're contributing to the earth...

7. Amazon.com Send me Perfect Fifths already!!! I want to read it. I want to be happy!

8. Stress Stress sucks. To unwind tonight, I went to the caf and indulged in some late night ice cream. I feel sick now, but it was worth it at the time.

9. Papers that won't write themselves I've seriously been staring at this one paper for days now. I'm not getting anything done because there's a crapload of other things to do! I am very displeased with myself and the world.

10. Expectations If there's one thing "Great Expectations" should have taught me it's that life sucks. And then you die. I wish I would just get what I wanted for once instead of losing every single battle.

If you didn't get the picture, I had a lousy day.

today

I want to banish today. I hate today. I want to erase it, tear it up, burn it.

I can't handle it.

More random contemplations

I'm cold, inside and out. i feel like a part of me has died and left a vacancy in my body.

I'm also exhausted. I think I'll just sleep.

It's Easter

So you know what happened in 1916 on Easter? An uprising. In Ireland. I know because I read a poem about it.

Let me tell you how this relates to my life. It doesn't.

Today was better than yesterday, I'll tell you that. I started writing my paper and I can feel that it's going to be amazing by the time I'm done. Right now it's crappy because I'm in a crappy mood, but it just needs some time and some better articulation. I just haven't really been thinking about it.

With my fingers flying over the keys I feel better. It's almost more exhilarating than writing on paper. The only problem is that it's more impersonal and that I'm sharing it with the world, a world limited to my three followers. Hah. I suppose there could be others, but who would really want to read my ramblings?

So I'm not religious. Easter means pretty much nothing to me, but my parents came up anyway. It was a grand old time. We had lunch at this place called Tedd's Landing. such a weird and dimly lit restaurant. We also went to Dunkin Donuts, which I love, and Walmart, which is convenient. I needed to get some supplies. Mostly food. I like food.

I want to get really really fat.

No, I don't. I'd like to live two lives in two different bodies but unified by one soul and one consciousness. Then I could accomplish so much more and live a true dual existence. That would be so awesome.

I now have a headache. I told myself I was going to go to the gym at 8:30 but quite frankly I don't feel like it. I'll give myself a few more minutes to transfer my soul to the Internet.

La dee da. I miss my old self. I'm bringing her mean self back now. It was hard. She's gone into hiding. But now she will emerge and be MEAN. SO MEAN.

Hey you! Yeah you! You stink! Like fish guts!

SEE I'M MEAN AGAIN. ARRRR!!

sunny Saturday

Another lovely Saturday spent inside. I have to focus on writing a paper because I want to do awesome on it. Mostly because I suck at life and haven't been acing everything as I should be doing.

I've also forgotten how to write. Probably an issue...

Last night I watched Mulan and then part of Sabrina before I fell asleep. For some reason there's a lot of tension going on in my shoulders that needs to be remedied. I've tried sleeping on my back instead of my stomach, but it hasn't helped much. I don't understand how life does this to me.

Anyway, I'm kind of fed up with life right now. I'm questioning every friendship I've ever had. I want to know if any of it is real. It's probably not.

I'm also a little frustrated with everything. I always doubt, but others don't seem to share my sense of modesty and humility. Of course I think I'm good, but there will always be others who are better. I never understand people who feel they have to brag to convince me of something. Are they that insecure that they have to constantly be talking?

That's basically the state of things. Supposedly my family is coming tomorrow to go to lunch and bring me shoes (for Chrysalis!)

Unfortunately, Chrysalis recently lost its appeal because now I'm just disillusioned with everything. I don't see any hope lurking on the horizon. It's probably just going to be another lame dance at which I hover awkwardly on the sides, observing couples necking. Oh, I went there. So I'll become some kind of voyeur. Gross. I don't want to be a voyeur.

Write!

Ah too long I have neglected you lonely blog!

Random updates on my life.
- two test tuesday was alright. I probably could have done better...
- i really need to pay more attention
- i'm doing feats next semester for the paper!
- i really should be doing more with my life.

Today I was reflecting on how much I've changed. I think it's for the better. Also, I think there are mold spores populating my window. We should fix that.

mood swings

yeah it's official. i am a victim of mood swings.

my last post? now negated. More depressed and stressed than before. this sucks. completely, utterly, ridiculously.

oh and i'm tired of people saying "fml." life doesn't suck that badly.

of course, I'm thinking it too so who am I to talk?

Regardless, I'm stuck in one huge thousand foot deep rut. I just need to talk. I need someone to listen, and I need someone to care. Yes, that's what I need.

epiphany

After I came back last night and was just hanging out and gossiping on the hall, it hit me. I have friends. And I think I'm happy.

It was a good moment.

blah

Dudes and dudettes,

I was so happy yesterday and the past weekend and all of a sudden I feel really depressed. What gives?!

Yeah so just reporting this unfortunate side effect of life.

rewind, replay, repast

I must rededicate myself to my studies. I think I've become lazy, and it's not cool. Thus, with this post, I hereby devote myself to academic pursuits. I must do better.

That said, I think I'm going to have to relinquish my english major. It pains me to give it up, but I think I will learn more if I take more math and chinese classes. I can still write. I will always be a writer. It's like giving up a part of myself though. I enjoy reading literature so much...I hate sacrifice. I wish I had more time to study all of these topics. I should just be a perpetual college student.

Settling as a student of life will have to suffice.

saturday

good saturday. friday may have sucked, but saturday redeemed it.

The Impossibility of Rest

In spite of the fact that this is spring break, I find myself fully occupied. Even when I'm supposed to be "resting" I find something I need to do. Most recently, I've returned to the ivory keys...well, I guess they're not actually ivory. Whatever, I'm playing the piano! It's ridiculously out of tune and the pedals are broken...this kind of displeases me, but I don't want to make my parents pay to get it fixed when my siblings no longer play. I've made progress on the third movement of the so-called "Moonlight Sonata," so I'm pleased.

I've also taken up making friendship bracelets again! Ah, the good old days of crafts. So in between doing my homework, I've picked up two other books.

yes. insane. what happened to rest? I don't know. Motion motion motion.

sucky

this was a truly horrible week. stress + stress + work + 4 exams = HORRIBLE.

i'm so glad it's over and now i can go collapse. because i'm so so so tired.

i'm going to go home, sleep, eat, and veg.

AGGGHH..

however i beasted my calc exam so i'm pleased about that. 98 fools! i would have gotten a 100 too if i hadn't copied down the partial derivative wrong. idiot move. on the other hand, i might have failed macro. the english midterm was easier than expected, but i'm still glad i studied. my essay was kind of rushed...but what else does one expect from 26 minutes??!! yikes. it's worse than AP!!

sleepy sleep. woo baba tzay naal????

writing

writing grounds me, i've found. and though I haven't posted in a few days, I've found other forms of expression.

But now I return as the week of hell begins. As previously stated, I've got a test in every class this week. It sucks, but I think I can make it. I basically refuse to waste any time. I'm tired now, but it's alright. I can still crank out a few more words.

Life is alright though I spent literally the entire weekend studying - either at the library or in my room. I basically only took breaks to eat and go to the gym. Pathetic. I'm just concerned about these exams because I want to do better...I don't want to be a borderline A. I want a solid one, and I know I can do it.

Things have been getting on my nerves lately so I'm trying to suppress that. I need to go home so I can be alone. I just desperately need a break. The harshness of reality is going to be frightening.

I also need to go shopping. Let's get some capitalism going. I want some clothes. And a haircut.

crap

4 exams next week.

...


what am I doing here?

Illustrator

I just discovered Adobe Illustrator today, and it's the most amazing program ever! I'm trying to design a logo for the program that I work for...so yeah! This is awesome.

Hyper

I'm excruciatingly hyper right now in spite of sleep deprivation. Super stoked about half birthday party.

Hm, also hungry. Must get through 2 hours of class yet. In other news, this morning I read about the plane crash near Buffalo. It's really depressing. How can you just get on a plane and then five minutes from when you're supposed to land...you're dead? It's horrible, and makes me reconsider the fragility of life.

I guess that's why I'm trying to turn over a new life and live in the moment.

But on a happier note, I'm really excited about Valentine's Day. This is odd considering I have no significant other, but I just like messing with people and making them think they have secret lovers. It's sort of a tradition. Some day I'd like to be a matchmaker, I think. Perhaps when I've improved my networking ability.

Alright, I should find me some mancandy! hah. Just kidding. When you search for something, you close yourself off to too many possibilities. Instead, you should wait for it to find you. That's what Siddhartha (from the book) found, at least. I think I'm beginning to believe in this Buddhism view of life. But don't expect me to convert or anything. I owe my allegiance to myself first.

Google

Scratch that. I'm still procrastinating.

Occasionally, I like to google myself to see if I've reached a certain level of notoriety yet.

Here are some of the top results that are actually related to me. The first ten or twenty results were different me's. Weird.

Poetry.com - So I think I wrote this...like four years ago.

Our podcast - No way, our podcast showed up.

Bucknellian - it seems that I'm a part of the Bucknellian staff. Oh wait, I am.

NJ Star Ledger Scholarship Thinger - Oh yeah, I remember writing an essay for this. Unfortunately I failed and received no funds.

Ayn Rand Fountainhead Essay Contest - That's right, I was a semi-finalist, world!

Ok well that's enough for now...for real.

Facebook Fast: Day Three

So it's Facebook Fast Day Three, and I'm counting down the minutes until I can finally go back on. I decided to up the deadline...I don't recall if I wrote that or not yet. Anyway, T - 1.5 hours.

Today it wasn't so bad since I have a lot of things to occupy myself with. Four hours of class, an hour spent at the paper, an hour chilling, an hour doing work, an hour at Walmart. It was a productive day. Right now I'm studying for my character test in Chinese on Friday. Lovely.

In juicy gossip news, someone at MKHS overdosed on heroin and died. Also, my friend B got asked to a Lambda date party (laammmbdaa?) haha. She declined.

At Walmart, I got a bunch of stuff for half birthday party this Friday. Suffice it to say that I am uber excited because it's going to be amazing. I feel very autonomous right now. At home, I usually just wing it. But this party? OH yeah. I planned it, bought the stuff, and I'm going to implement it. Heck yeah.

Now I return to my characters...which will undoubtedly occupy the rest of my night.

Facebook Fast: Day Two

So it's been two days since I went on facebook. I'm pretty proud of myself, but it's starting to freak me out. I need to be in the loop. I need to have gossip. That said, I am getting more distracted just searching for new channels of gossip. For instance, I started texting people more and IMing people I haven't spoken to in a long time. I just IMed Winston. He has no gossip.

Plus I get really jittery and can't focus. I'm just shaking with anxiety over what people are doing, what they're saying - what I'm not in on. It's driving me crazy, but I'm going to keep going. At least until tomorrow night. I upped the deadline because honestly, I don't think I can take it past tomorrow night. Besides, I have to continue planning Half Birthday Party and I do actually need to see how many people are intending on coming.

Anyway. As it turns out, my brother is the new Key Club President at MKHS. HAHAH. This is hilarious for many reasons. Reason 1: He is really disorganized. Reason 2: He's my brother. Reason 3: He once came to Key Club elections (freshman year for him, senior year for me) and he wasn't even a member at that point. I don't really know.

In other news, SpongeBob SquarePants is turning ten. Can you believe it? I certainly can't! We are so freaking old. It's freaking me out. The non-use of facebook is freaking me out.

HOLY CRAP. I'm just going crazy. Two tests is entirely too much for one day. My neck still aches from huddling over small table/desks for hours. Ouch ouch ouch. Unfortunately, I know I got at least one question on the macro exam wrong. It's alright though...twas a multiple choice question and it's not really worth all that much. Not a big deal.

"Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days."

Speaking of which, Hannah Montana has made some mistakes recently. So has Michael Phelps. How you have fallen oh mighty Olympic champion! I say this as I don my "I heart Michael Phelps" t-shirt that someone gave to me. Irony.

I should really get more people to read my blog. This is prime material right here!

one down, one to go

So I took my calc exam this morning and it wasn't half bad. I knew what was going on. The only thing that could possibly lead to points getting taken off is poor arithmetic.

Macro next. Must study until then.

The facebook ban is going well. It's kind of like going cold turkey off drugs...since that's what facebook is to me - a drug.

right-o

I was right. I know myself too well. I search for distraction.

MATH.

boycott

I'm going on a facebook boycott until thursday at 12 pm. I keep getting distracted from my studies so I'm going to attempt to stay off. Unfortunately, I'll probably waste my time doing other things instead...like blogging.

Let's get stoked for two test tuesday!

random

1) if people got as excited about academia as they did about TV shows, the world would be a better place.

2) In the state of Pennsylvania, people can no longer smoke within twenty feet of public buildings. Or something like that. Huzzah for Indoor Clean Air & Smoking Policy.

Much better

I'm feeling better now, much better. I've accomplished a lot of stuff today, and although I'm still stuck on some calc problems, I can go figure those out later. Sigh.

It sucks when you think you know something but it turns out that you don't.

On the bright side, I'm pretty much finished with homework and paper jazz right now...so I have about 40 minutes to get down with my bad self. Yeah basically I'm just going to get ready for bed. Hahah.

So fun fact: Ludacris is coming to play spring concert at my school...fantastic...I guess.

Just like high school

So recently I've just felt like I'm in high school again. Everything is happening the same way - the constant ditchings, the feelings of complete isolation and desolation. It just happens over and over again.

I'm really sad. It sucks that I feel such a dedication to doing things well. If I didn't care, I wouldn't give up my weekends to go to cover events, often by myself, for the newspaper. I wish I could just shirk my responsibility, but I know it'll leave me worse off in the long run.

Anyway, it's the coverage of the event that partially prevented me from doing things that I wanted to do last night. It's partially my fault, and yet it's also other people's faults as well.

I just want to pretend like yesterday never happened because I just felt like crap all day. And today is a new day and I've done a lot of cleaning. I feel good now. Better at least.

Move along, move along.

I'm tired of people ditching me and not listening to me. I'm just so utterly tired of it. I'm tired of working all the time. I really just don't have Tracy time anymore. *sigh*

Midmorning Musing

I'm still tired, but at least I got an extra half hour of...oh no wait. I went to sleep a half hour later. Crap. So I got seven hours again if that.

Anyway, I seriously need a break. This weekend should be good if I could get my act together and get some plans. More likely than not, I won't find any.

I'm looking for ideas for a half birthday party. Three people on my hall were born within a week of each other so we figured we might as well celebrate.

Current ideas:
Party that changes theme every hour
General food/movie
Spa day

I'm going to keep compiling. The date we set is Friday the 13th. Mwahaha...maybe we should have a supernatural element then.

Light

Why does every freaking light that I touch die? It's like I have some sort of curse! It's similar to that thing from which people suffer when they can't grow plants...except it happens with technology.

I've gone through three lamps in my tenure at the university. Ridiculous.

Alright I'm exhausted and have to wake up early tomorrow, yet again.

11:40

Hey it's 11:40 on Thursday.

I'm exhausted, and the Office was subpar.

work work work
test tomorrow, sleepy, need to find more writers

peace.

finally, a moment to think

So I finally have some time to do some writing! This is quite exciting, considering that mass amounts of stuff that I need to learn within the coming weeks. Goodness. It was overwhelming at first, but I think I just need some time to settle into the groove.

Anyway, the first week of classes went well. However, it's snowing again. I'm so sick of the snow. I wish it were warmer now.

Yesterday, I attended the BU vs. Holy Cross basketball game. We lost. Of course. It was good to go though because I've been rather anti-school spirit lately. In the evening, I went ice skating, which was also a lot of fun. I'm glad I only fell once...and I fully blame it on the enormous hockey skates strapped to my feet. and theeennn...I watched Penelope. Still such a good movie. Mwahhaha..."It's not the power of the curse; it's the power you give the curse."

Thankfully, I've only got a bit more work to do today. I love being productive...but that allows me less time for deep reflection and pondering. 'Tis a pity.

Terribly awkward times ahead.

Ebay

So I've taken to selling some of my old junk on e-bay. It's actually kind of fun. I get to clean my room, organize my junk, and look forward to a financial incentive that some freak out there will probably give me for said junk.

I'm thinking about dumping the books I don't like, some old ugly Beanie Babies, and some old school CDs that I will probably never listen to again. This is why I don't like to buy things anymore - I go through a lot of phases. I'm basically a fad.

Most Likely to Succeed?

I think it would be hilarious if I, voted the Most Likely to Succeed female of the MKHS class of 2007, failed epically.

I say this as I consider the course of my future. Learn it and forget it. That's how things tend to go, despite my efforts to best the Ebbinghouse forgetting curve...is that it? I can't remember. HAH. Sometimes, I crack myself up.

Also need to work on caring about other people and finding some conversation skills. I'm thinking about carrying conversation cards with me wherever I go. ... Or maybe I'll just write them in a notebook. That will likewise suffice.

freakish

Here's something interesting. Apparently, sometime last year in an attempt to ward off possible burglaries in my room, I divvied up my monies. Yes, I hid a bit of my meager savings in several places throughout my room. I stumbled upon one last night. It's always fun to find money, especially when you're running out.

I just can't believe I did that and hid it in such a weird place. Oh well.

a full tummy

Wow. Astonishingly, I'm really full for once. This isn't to say that I've been starving myself. Actually, I've been harboring an insatiable hunger lately. But today? Today I am full and fulfilled. After dining at Olive Garden, my mother treated mis amigas to some artery-clogging Coldstone confections. It was delicious, though the sugary odors have taken refuge in my nasal passageways.

I also loaded up on school supplies because of the impending snowstorm. Hopefully the weather won't have an impact on my social plans for tomorrow, as time is running out. Speaking of running, I plan on doing a lot tonight for I am about to play basketball for about the first time in a year? Maybe more. I don't count that time we played during the summer because no one actually wanted to scrimmage with me.

I'm sorry I can't be happy for other people's successes. It dawned on me today; that's the main reason why I can't visit MK. I'll get depressed.

Shivering cold

My house is really frigid at the moment.

Circulation is a huge issue. Everywhere.

My externship was strange. Very strange. The working world is a frightening place. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I'm super awkward.

Brain exploding with chinese characters. so many. brain too small. what's it all for? Ways of thinking.

Finished Second Helpings. Still the story of my life for the most part. Minor differences and life-altering events. I'm just undesirable I guess.

Watched Juno today while studying. Remains a good film.

And I cleaned out my room. I had accumulated like 20 lbs worth of magazines since the 6th grade. I trashed them, keeping only a few for future reference. Can't wait until I'm old and flip through past trends.

what to do now...?

Things still to do over break:
Write thank-yous
Watch a couple more movies
Make t-shirt, finish memory board
Study some more
hang out with friends
pack

Got my grades in paper today. The paper glistens with achievement. Even the paper is shiny. sparkle, sparkle, sheen.

manshoulders

It's official. I have manshoulders. I'm going to need to look up a solution to manshoulders.

fun fact: my armspan is greater than my height.

truth, justice, the beyond

I really need to work on honing my writing skills. They are seriously lacking lately. I feel like I've been stuck in a rut since I started editing for the paper. I keep my sentences short to the point where long ones actually confuse and annoy me. This could also be a result of improper comma placement. I need to brush up on my elements of style. And my vocabulary.

But anyway, sometimes I think it's difficult to face reality. I still haven't looked at the grade on my research paper for Shakespeare. I looked at the final grade for the class, mind you, but for some reason I can't bring myself to take a look. It obviously can't be terrible since I did well in the class, but still - I won't look until it becomes essential. This is probably one of my major weaknesses. Accepting criticism. I think I need someone to deliver it to me straight up - or else I won't see it. Of course it hurts. I can't stand imperfection. Maybe I just need to discipline myself to learn to accept and grow.

Another thing I have lost is the ability to BS. It used to be so easy to spew any crap I could. Now I can no longer do it, and it's directly reflected in my ability to speak. I can only speak about topics about which I am extremely well-versed. So my goal now is to become well-versed in just about everything. Or maybe it just means that I am a writer and not an orator.

Perhaps I have nothing to say at all. And yet, it seems I have volumes to write.

yeah.

Today I crafted a memory board. I've been wanting one for some time now, so I just went ahead and made it. Plus I picked up Sloppy Firsts again. It's been years since I last read it. As I go through it now, I realize that it's basically a novelization of my life. I'm not sure if the stuff I write is a result of reading it, but a lot of my thoughts seem to plagiarize the book. Crap.

I feel bad for the girl who got caught plagiarizing one of that same author's books. It's probably not hard. I think a lot of the main character's thoughts echo the thoughts of millions of angst-ridden teenage girls, myself included. It was just weird to see things that I've actually written in my own journal in this book. So I ask myself which came first? My guess is the novel. But how could I remember some of those things? I can't even remember some plot details, and yet some of the lines are word for word. Etched in my subconscious? I don't know. I'm not really one for remembering quotes.

Snowwww

I'm extremely unmotivated at the moment. I need something to make me do things. Yesterday was such a waste of a day and it only served to throw off my groove. Blast.

I'm watching HP & OOTP now to alleviate my ennui. I was reading Jane Eyre before, but then I gave up. It's too boring for me to digest at the moment. Plus I had forgotten how much I hated Jane. She's so bland and unassuming. I hate people that have no personality. I also hate fence sitters. Pick a side.

Now I'll multitask and attempt to study while I watch.