Decisions / Reflections

With the beginning of the new year I've decided to banish all the crap that happened last year. I'm going to cleanse myself, wash my hands of the matter, and move on. You are herein nothing to me.

I can't believe another year has gone by. It's scary to think about. Sometimes I just think that my life is slipping away without me doing anything about it. I think I get too caught up in the moment despite my attempts to plan and control most things. Normally I don't procrastinate, but recently, I've been unable to plan too far ahead in advance.

Anyway, I've become withdrawn again so I apologize for my anti-social tendencies. Perhaps it's the winter getting to me. I just like to be home studying. Excess and inefficiency are contemptible to me. Have I changed as a person? In some ways I think I have. I say more now, keep less to myself. I'm more tolerant of certain things, less tolerant of others. I've gotten better at going out places and doing things, opening myself to new experiences. So overall, maybe this year wasn't so bad. Baby steps, baby steps.

I'm pleased today. I mustered up the courage to face my grades. Now if only I could gain some confidence.

Poker

As it turns out, I'm pretty good at poker. We should play some more.

Also, Slumdog Millionaire is a really good movie. Everyone should go see it eventually.

the ILTM app is killing me. slowly. Still have to study more, practice piano, and apply to other internships just in case. i don't know where all the time goes anymore.

Endless Food

So anyway, Happy Christmas and all that jazz. It's over now but it felt like it was never here. I'm not sure how this happens. I used to look forward to Christmas so much, now it just seems like a chore. Basically, I morph into a slave around this time. I've cooked and cleaned so much stuff, but people keep coming over and making a mess. I'm tired of it.

Presents also used to be better when I didn't care about waste or excess. Now I just see everyone wasting their money on useless junk. I hate inefficiency more than anything.

Yesterday I fell down the stairs. It was painful, and now I have a bruise. Many bruises actually, but at least it wasn't a full fall down a flight...just about a half flight. Maybe less, I'm not really sure.

I think...people should stop buying me presents because I'm just too picky. It would save everyone a lot of time and effort if we all just abstained. I'll buy myself gifts instead.

So here's to Christmas round 2. I need to go socialize or something before I become withdrawn and depressed again.

Chocolate coma

Today I made more cookies. I think I'm in a chocolate coma. I decorated some this afternoon with D and G (I'm taking a note out of GossipGirl/K's book). It was lovely. Some of our creations look utterly stupid, but that's fine. Some of them also developed tumors.

Other than that I've just been wrapping and trying to figure out what internships to apply to. I don't know whether or not to apply to ILTM still. I'd rather have an internship so I could be home and still hang out with people from time to time. The deal with ILTM is that I'd be back at school for six weeks out of the summer...and I'd basically be incommunicado because that's how intense it is. Plus it's not like I could get a job for the few weeks before and after the program. It's quite difficult to decide. I need help. The deadline is January 5. If I get in, I basically have to do it unless I turn into a huge biotch and say I can't if I get a better offer. The problem with that is that I do work for the program now with my fellowship.

Big picture though - I don't really need job experience right now. I'm going to go to some sort of schooling after my 4 years at the university...

Cookies and depression?

Last night this overwhelming sense of loneliness washed over me. It was insane. I just felt so unwanted and alone. I blame the SAD.

I just stared directly into the sun. It's in the perfect position for a photograph depicting winter. It's actually quite a nice day. Too bad I've been inside all day cleaning and baking. I made chocolate pixie cookies. I don't really know why they're called that. But they're chocolaty and delicious. At least they smell delicious...I'm still waiting for the last batch to come out.

I'm excited for tonight's shindig, "The Winter Solstice Soiree." Now if only I could find enough males/champions to host a Yule Ball...

That's RIGHT

I rescued my old laptop from the depths of the dead. I am so proud of myself. It's aaaaaalive! I couldn't believe it. Basically, whenever I come home I struggle with trying to revive it. It used to taunt me every single time. But now? Now it is fixed! Yay me!

So in actuality, I do have to do work this break. I have to figure out what to do this summer...internships, ILTM, or...just be a bum. I also have to refresh my memory of calc and continue studying Chinese. Those are the main goals. I've got some other goals as well.

Hm but right now I just want to read. So I'm going to do that.

It is snowy snowy day. Brrrr. brrrr.

It's snowing heavily and I am ridiculously bored. This morning my mom and I ventured into the mall area to do some shopping, but then the snow began to fall more heavily and we decided to head home after making a stop at Dunkin.

So after that I haven't been doing anything else. Of course, I did work on my Website, which is totally cool looking now. You should take a look at it if you get a chance. .

The sucky thing about being home is that I get hungry all the time because there's just so much food around. So I have been eating constantly. Also convenient is the treadmill in the house...so I will be running later.

And that's about all I did today.

VICTORY SCREECH

So I'm done with finals. It feels really good. I feel liberated, carefree...almost. I know I actually do have to do some studying over break...but I'm looking forward to a well-deserved break.

Chinese went well. I just had mad pain in my neck afterward from hunching over for so long. It was quite intense. I don't understand how more people don't do well in that class. Well, I actually do know why. It's because they cram instead of studying a little each day. Long term versus short term, people!

Currently, my graded research paper is sitting in my inbox. I want to know...but I don't want to know. If it's bad...then it'll just ruin my entire holiday season. If it's good, it will make me exceedingly happy. So I don't really know what to do about it. Kim looked and she prevailed. If I look...who knows what will happen? So I guess I'm just going to wait because I don't care. It's not about the grades, it's about the acquisition of knowledge.

The other day I was told to pursue a PhD. I want to, but I don't think I can finance it. Additionally, I don't know how hard I'm willing to work. I work as hard as I can now, but at the same time, I don't know if I can handle it. I can only put so much work into something before I give up. It's one of my problems. The details only bother me for so long.

Anyway, my stuff is all packed and I'm ready to go. I'm excited.

ONE MORE TO GO

I just have Chinese left at 3:30. I just want to do this. I keep freaking out and forgetting everything.

The second final (Shakespeare) went alright...the essay wasn't exactly how I liked it. It's alright...whatever. Focus on the task at hand.

Hmm I want to eat lunch and then continue this madness I guess.

'Let's rock this _______'

Ok. ONE FINAL DOWN!! Whooo. This is so exciting! And it only took me a little over an hour. So now I have a lot of time to kill because it's not like I'm going to study for Shakespeare. Then tomorrow is Chinese and then I shall be finished!

My room is extraordinarily warm and humid. Water is accumulating on the windows. It's really gross. I want to open the window to equalize the temperature and humidity, but that is against the rules. Bahhh what to do what to do...

Gosh...I don't know what to do with myself.

blehhhh

My brain aches, and I feel fat.

Today is super. I also watched Factory Girl while studying for micro. Poor choice. I'm going to go really study now.

At least I have all of tomorrow to really cram. Stupid outlines for in class essays. I smite you.

Spassstic.

Last night was a waste of my life. I did some cleaning while watching Narnia! Then I decided to read. Really, I should have been partying since my roommate was sleeping over somewhere else. I should have had the party where the theme changes every hour. One day I will seriously do this...one day when I'm rich and can afford decor and costumes for each theme.

On the other hand, I got some sweet gifts from our gift exchange - a Prince Caspian poster and a High School Musical tear off calendar. Very cool. Prince Caspian now graces my wall, and I am ecstatic about it.

While I was supposed to be studying yesterday, all these ideas kept popping up in my head. I decided that we're going to make a parody of the fashion magazine on campus, which is called "BE." Instead, we're going to call ours "IS." It's going to be amazing. A bunch of article ideas entered my mind. This always happens at the most inopportune moments. Regardless, I was feeling in a pretty creative mood.

So studying has overtaken my life. Nothing else is going on. Sad existence I lead. Even sadder was when I got up at 8 this morning to go to the library and study...and I got asked for ID. Yeah. Bizarre. It was normal operating hours too...

I've also taken to watching TV on Hulu now. I've watched just about every Colbert Report from the last week. OH Michael Phelps was on the other day! Apparently he wrote a book. Haha I wonder how good it is. He doesn't seem like the most intelligent person on the planet. What's he going to tell people? Swim fast? Swim hard?

Here's another interesting topic - the open-book final. It's pointless. The professor gave us the questions ahead of time so we can essentially plan the entire thing out. Actually, we could write the entire essay out ahead of time, but that might be a waste of time. Two of the three questions will appear on the exam and we just have to answer one of them. We could potentially write the entire essay inside the covers of our shakespeare books...

I won't though. I'll just write an incredibly detailed outline. One in each book! We should really just not have to do it in class because it's going to be a pain. How about no final? Hmm? Hmmm? Unlikely.

Anyway, last night I downloaded the album "Man Up" by the Blue Van. The band's song, "Silly Boy," is featured in a Samsung commercial. I really liked that song so I decided to find it. The album is pretty hilarious - related to a lot of "man" things. "I'm a Man" and "Man Up" are indeed actually songs...sounds like things I typically say. I highly recommend it.

Alright, back to studying Chinese now I suppose.

Once upon a midnight dreary

This morning was exceptionally dreary, but nonetheless, we went downtown to have breakfast and shop. I had some banana rum pancakes and a cappuccino at Cherry Alley. It was delicious. I've got some good photos of it.

I also got some good buys downtown. Yay.

In other news, I started reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. Tis good so far. I've handed in the accursed paper, and now I'm studying for Chinese & Micro. Yay time.

Since I'm fraught with time now, I also picked up the latest issue of "The Counterweight," the University's conservative newspaper. Then I started marking it up. Although I disagree with almost all of the articles in the paper, it does help me think about issues and make up my mind about things. There are just a lot of things that never occur to me to think about. So in that respect, the paper is actually helpful. However, I disagree strongly with the article about "The Bucknellian." Mostly because I was there when we decided to endorse Obama. Whatever Counterweight, whatever.

Reading Day

Reading Day was full of reading, but not necessarily the type I should have been doing.

Instead of studying mass amounts, I finished reading Heart of Darkness last night. Then I started reading The Tales of Beedle the Bard. The latter is alright...it's written for children. It's also short. Rowling should have written a few more stories to spiff it up. I can't imagine anyone paying $100 for the hardcore edition. I also enjoyed the former. The imagery was beautiful, if also very very dark. The darkness motif was a bit overdone, but I guess that was the point.

Today I finished the econ paper. It needs one more look over before I give up and print all fifteen glorious pages out.

Last day of Classes!!!

Today was uber exciting in that it was the last day of classes for the semester! However, the real work has just begun. I've got about 10 pages written of my paper for urban econ. It's seriously ridiculous. The data takes up about another 5 pages. Overall, I believe I did a pretty thorough job. I tried to take a lot of things into account and make the problems of crime and sprawl make sense. I just had to explain why my city has those problems...so it's not due for another day and a half really. But essentially that consumed most of my day.

Yesterday wasn't terribly good for me for a variety of reasons I don't really want to go into. But today was holiday dinner at the caf! It was lovely. Following that they have dessert in the Terrace Room, which was scrumptious. I'm going to get so large over the following days as I ease myself into study mode. I love mini cheesecakes! So cute!

I'm going to need some plans for this weekend...it's not like I can seriously spend every waking moment studying. I just want to go home at this point. This semester has been full of so many disappointments.

New Moon & Awkward Glances

Two things to think about:

I'm ecstatic that there will be a different director for New Moon. So ridiculously excited. Maybe they'll also heed my request to get a different Bella! Hah jk. Unlikely.

Secondly, why is it that people in the library must always glance up from their work to stare at you as you walk past? I've come to a few conclusions. One is that they're worried that you'll attack them, steal their books, or their highly coveted study spot. It's really a defense mechanism at its basest level. Another theory is that they think you are someone they know. Because when you're doing work, spotting a friend nearby is actually a quite welcome break. Given the small school we attend, the chances of seeing someone you know are pretty high. And a third idea is that they just have nothing better to do.

The look of revulsion when you see me and realize you don't recognize me is kind of getting on my nerves though. If you're not going to have a pleasant expression on your face, don't bother looking. Moral of the story: mind your own business.

Those are just some things I was thinking about this morning.

Right soooooooo

I love the purplish hue in the sky today. Reminds me of " 'Tis a beauteous evening, calm and free. The holy time is quiet as a nun, breathless with adoration. The gentleness of heaven broods o'er the seas. Listen! The mighty being is away and doth with his eternal motion make a sound like thunder everlastingly."

I've begun to study for these crazy things known as final exams, even though I don't have them for quite a long time - more than a week. I guess it's better to start sooner than later though.

Last night's EVE 6 concert was sweet! 'Twas very fun even though I was abandoned at first. I had a really good time - probably more fun than at O.A.R.

Anyway, at the moment, I'm sort of watching "Silk." It's a little sensual, and I'm not sure I can fully appreciate it. Gross.

bored bored bored and don't know what to do with myself. study i guess. lamee!! stupid group projects are annoying. give me the freakin' history portion and the rest of the stupid data! you're holding me back!!!

SAD

So I've determined I've pretty much got seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Pretty certain. I was in the gym this morning and read an article about it in SELF. I basically have all the symptoms so I'm going to self-diagnose. The solution? Go outside more or buy a $300 light. I'm going to opt for going outside more. However, it would help if it weren't so cold.

Speaking of cold, it's basically paralyzing. I don't deal well with the cold. My extremities are freezing. Some people can walk faster when it gets cold outside. I cannot. I basically can't move because my body shuts down and my muscles stiffen. It's horrible. I need to invest in more clothes.

Anyway, I'm working on an urban econ paper at the moment...I've made good progress, but now I need a break. Basically we have to compare data from eight cities and then explain why our city in particular has a specific socioeconomic problem. Easy peasy, right? WRONG. It took me forever to decide which issues I wanted to write about and then find the data to support why my city (Orlando!) has that problem. Well, two problems. I picked crime and sprawl. Lovely. So now I just have to wait for the rest of the data and the history and write a conclusion. Good progress for today, I do believe.

So at the moment, I feel completely inadequate again. This is ridiculous. I'm 90% sure I have SAD. The other 10% is the possibility of actual depression.

I want more warm beverages. Woo yaw kafei = I want coffee in Chinese GR. At least I've got the Pirates music in the background...that's soothing. I'm excited to see EVE 6 tonight. I really hope that it doesn't get too crowded because I really want to go!

Hairspray and other items

I really hope that Adam Shankman is seriously considering a sequel to "Hairspray." It was a great movie, fantastic even, but it does not need a continuation. People need to realize when to stop. Sure, you can squeeze out every last buck, but what about the art? People should want to create a quality product instead of a cheap production that they'll force overseas to rake in the big bucks.

Well, that's just my opinion on the matter.

A little about my life -- I think I have some issues. My brain isn't large enough. I think I have a learning disability...actually, I think I have a touch of ADHD. You can just call it lack of focus since I don't actually believe ADHD exists. I also think I fear greatness. The future is daunting, and sometimes I think I set myself up for failure. Too much doubt. Too much uncertainty.

I'm not doing enough proactive things with my life, and I'm too apathetic. These problems and more are surfacing now. There's still something wrong with my contacts despite the fact that I changed them this morning. This makes me conclude that there's actually something wrong with my eyes. Blast.

I feel quite unmotivated at the moment. I've finished the majority of my work. I just need to study for finals, but that's not going to be a problem for about another week. In the mean time, I'm just going to relax, write a paper, and study more Chinese.

Chinese is very difficult, but learning it makes me feel good about myself. I like being able to connect with my heritage since I've essentially been white-washed. It's also very fulfilling to be able to read the characters strewn all over my house.

I just needed to get that out. Perhaps I will take up meditation.

Slowing Things Down

This may seem weird, but sometimes you really just need to appreciate nature. Yes, I'm known as the nature-hater, but whenever I walk by myself I tend to dawdle and admire the beauty. This morning, the sky was particularly blue. I almost welcomed the chill of the breeze. Almost. I was still cold. I'm perpetually cold. Some say it's because of my black hole of a heart. I tend to disagree. Right now there's a pretty sunset outside, and the other day, the moon was luminescent. Two planets sparkled beside it.

Yes, it's the little things that keep me going.

I'm in such a weird mood right now. Weird feeling. Weird clamminess. Hair and static are not cooperating. Can't wait until Friday.

Blurry vision

Right now I can't really see because my contacts are failing me. I don't know why I even bother with the bloody contacts anyway. It's not like they're helping my looks. I might as well just rock the glasses and embrace the nerd I am. It's probably slightly cheaper.

I'm fed up with poor grammar. Learn it. Love it. Stop giving me sentences that don't make sense or have no meaning because I really can't take it. I also hate wordiness and long clauses.

Currently I'm avoiding returning to the paper because I don't want to write headlines and the layout probably isn't done anyway. I might as well wait a few more minutes. Kill time kill time kill time.

I just saw Alina Fernandez speak. It was hard to understand her, but she was humorous and made a few good jokes. "She looked like a Coca-Cola before it became a can..." or something along those lines. Her depiction of Cuba was fascinating, but again, she lost me a few times.

I also can't believe I have another stupid character test this Friday that was just announced yesterday. GRRR. So many characters to know. I can't wait until I'm past the initial barriers and I can really learn the language. I had forgotten how hard it was...and that's about the story of my life. Tomorrow I have to put more ILTM posters up, but it's going to be so awkward because people just frown upon that for some reason. So many things to do.

Killllliing Time! Happy Tuesday. It's also Britney Spears' birthday if I'm not mistaken. Happy Birthday Britney! Ok that was pathetic. Grow up, Tracy. Good idea. Oh look I'm talking to myself.

Jiow.sh.le!

Twilight

Dear Twilight fans,

I just saw the supposed greatest movie of all time, and let me tell you it was a complete failure. I really don't know what you're obsessing about. I liked the book well enough, but this movie was a great injustice to an already poorly written book. Yikes. I can't describe how bad it was. Oh wait, I can.

Firstly, movie versions of Edward and Bella are completely inadequate and misrepresented. Edward is so ridiculously awkward. Completely wrong Robert Pattinson, but perhaps that was in the script. Who knows? Kristen Stewart, you are so lifeless. It's like you're a zombie. Talk about weird. Vampires and zombies falling in love. Hah! Plus it's like you guys don't even like each other. When you say you want to be with each other forever, I don't believe you. Of course, maybe Pattinson was trying to show the extreme pain that being near Bella caused Edward...but still. So so awkward.

Let's talk about the cinematography next, shall we? It was terrible. Camera operator/ director learn how to use a camera. A lot of the handheld work was completely unnecessary, as were the extensive cuts to shots from different angles. I know that audiences nowadays have short attention spans, but the cuts had no significance whatsoever. Plus, there was no need for the extreme close ups of every character's face! Yes, I want to know them, but not that intimately. Perhaps you were trying to compensate for the complete lack of emotion from Bella...regardless, it failed. I still don't buy it.

Props on the mirror scene though. James was a good casting choice and that scene made me really really uncomfortable. So that was good. I liked the montage when Bella realized Edward was a vampire too. However, the music sucked throughout the film, and I honestly don't know why people are buying the soundtrack. It doesn't go well with the flow of the movie and Edward's song for Bella was an amateur's attempt. I've read that Robert Pattinson composed it himself. That's sweet, but it's just too simple to sum up the complexity of the feelings that the character's are supposed to feel.

Back to the camera. Stop panning to the trees and the landscape. I don't care. Also cut out the stupid arc shots. What the lifeless characters are saying doesn't warrant such an extreme shot.

Jasper looked like he was in perpetual pain. Rosalie was kind of ugly, sorry. Alice was cute. Emmett was amusing. Most of the other characters were well-cast, but Catherine Hardwicke, please get a different Bella. Edward needs some work, but he wasn't horrible. Yikes.

So the movie overall was below par. The story could have worked...but the final product was just bad. Get a new director. Get a new Bella.

You basically almost ruined Twilight for me.

Happy Turkey Day!

On this festive occasion, I watched three Disney movies in a row: Aladdin, Pocahontas, and Sleeping Beauty. I am not joking. It was awesome.

I also really like turkey. I'm still waiting for pie.

BREAK

I just want to go home right now. Exhaustion has overcome me. My eyelids are drooping and people are telling me I look sad. Apparently I always look sad. I'm not really sure what that's about. I think it's just what I look like. People should really just get over that.

I can't believe I still have to go to a class. Then again, it's not like I'm going to do be doing anything between now and 4 anyway. Like anyone's even going to show up...

Ayyyy so bored.

Wintry Mix

Wintry mix is so vague. I hate when weather forecasters use that term. What kind of storm are we in for, Mr. Weatherman? Will I need my boots? My snow shoes? Or perhaps a snowmobile? Sorry, that just popped into my head.

In other news, I get to go home tomorrow! What a marvelous day it will be! However, before that I must finalize my paper. It can be done. I just don't want to do it.

Alas!

I have returned, hopefully for good. For a while there I had a crisis and didn't think anyone would want to hear about the mundane details of my life.

But now I've come to the conclusion that although I sound so stupid when I read my posts in retrospect, it is a part of who I am at the moment. It's a part of history that can never be altered. That single moment is gone and what is, was. Crisis averted.

I'm not sure who exactly is going to be reading this, but I really have fun posting. My school-hosted website was fun for the summer, but this is so much easier to update. With the other one I had to FTP it up and html myself. Yikes. What a nightmare. Man, I miss my old Websites. I should bring back those screen shots. Sometimes I forget about what I spent my time doing.

So basically, my goal is to inform someone, somewhere, about the kooky intricacies of my mind. Experience with me the angst, the pain, and the crises.

Fun Facts
- People are petitioning to make pole dancing an olympic sport
- Student in China got bit by a panda when he went in for a hug.

In response, let me just yell a big, resounding "FAIL." Note to self: do not pole dance and do not hug pandas.

The End.